Thought Was Me

Too many tears I’ve shed

And not a single thing has changed

Tears make you weak he said,

His smile twisted and deranged

I tried to be strong and wear the mask

To still my beating heart with iron fists

And yet here again I've failed at my task

In tears again for all I’ve missed

You’ve left me in disgust

And destroyed all we could have been

An ideal now turned to wretched dust

Disappointed with the shreds of who you thought you’d seen

The girl that I could never be

The girl that for a while, I thought was me

I wrote this a while ago, and it's interesting to look back to. I'm still sad, still hurting, still lonely, and I want someone, but I'm beginning to realize that someone isn't him. 

I am not that girl 'I never could be' but maybe that isn't a bad thing. Perhaps I don't even want to be that girl. 

I am me, and maybe that's good.

History

History isn't about dates and places and wars. It's about the people who fill the spaces between them.”

 - Jodi Picoult, The Storyteller

Words

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.”

 - Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

2014

Happy new year. Happy 2014.

What a strange, heartbreaking thing last year was.
 This year I have no one to hurt me, I have hopes and dreams and no certainty, and I truly believe this year will be better. This year will be my year.

Europe. That's my great plan, a job, savings, and then the Europe and the wild beyond.

I've applied for an archaeological dig in Italy, I'm trying to learn french, i'm not buying a return ticket.

I'm young and free.

It's 2014, and the world is mine.

Nelson Mandela

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

 Nelson Mandela, you were one of the greatest people of our time

You will be sorely missed.

Might have been

Of all the words of mice and men,

The saddest are: "It might have been" 

                                   Kurt Vonnegut 

And it's true. We should strive to take every opportunity, because those we miss, we spend a lifetime wondering what could have-would have happened. 

Painting beautiful futures that can never be, because we didn't dare to try. What might have been is a world of infinite futures and possibilities, all of them lost. 

So take every chance, say hello to that stranger, agree to that trip, say yes, don't hesitate and let the moment be lost. And make as few of 'might have been' moments as you possibly can. 

The River of Time

The passage of time is a strange and winding river.

It has no set path, it only travels onward. You cannot control it, and can only hope to keep your head above water, to stay afloat and let the river take you where it will. At times it will lead you into the shallows, past gentle riverbanks where willows bow their heads. Sometimes it will pull you into the deep past jagged rocks where the current is strong and river-weed swirls in the eddies of the ever-changing tide.

And through it all you can hear it, sometimes far off, and sometimes all too close; the distant roar of the waterfall that lies at the end of the river. As all my life I struggle not to drown, to admire the starlight above me, to sink into the golden sunshine as it bathes me, and to enjoy every sight that I pass by, I know the waterfall is indomitable as it is inevitable.

I have never yet seen it, but when I do I imagine it will be as beautiful as it is terrifying.
It is coming, and I cannot stop it;

 As to what lies over the other side-

That is the last great mystery.

Feeling Just the Same

I always expect somehow to feel a little different when I change age, especially to the big 21.

But of course, I feel just the same. But you know what? I had a lovely party, there was no drama, no stress. In some ways I was disappointed, how can something you have been planning for the last 6 months live up to every expectation?

But at the same time, i'm really happy. I had a great time, I was surrounded by friends who love me and made me feel so very loved. Their words, speeches, gifts and gestures had me in tears, and made me feel so very special, and so worthwhile.

I am blessed.

The beautiful pre-party lunch we had

Secret Library

It's hidden deep you know

That secret space within my mind

That place where no one goes

And none can find.

It’s where thoughts spark

And ideas flow

The rhythms in the dark

Where secrets grow

I write stories in my head

And talk to made up names-

Of people long now dead

With strange and secret games

Shelves and shelves of dreams

Each waiting at my call

And I with infinite means

Control it all

Indeed at times myself I cannot find

This secret library within my mind

My Impossible Future

If I could imagine a future for myself that would make me the happiest, it would be living in Greece, by the beaches or on one of the islands, with a house overlooking the bay and a sailboat moored in sight.
 I would have a wonderful husband who would sail with me around the islands in the summer, and I would make gorgeous meals in my beautiful kitchen. I would be a writer with some success, I would go to the markets and have picnics on our boat, I would cure olives and have a wine cellar.
And I would have dinner parties all summer and mulled wine in the winter. We would be a close knit community and know our neighbors. I would have a moped and a cat named after one of the Greek gods. Castor or Pollux perhaps, or Hephaestus.

It's so idealistic, so romanticized, I don't even know if such a place could exist. But if it did, I think it would look something like this:
 A house on the hillsides of Greece, on one of the ancient islands which once housed Odysseus. This is where I would find my inspiration, where I could look out my window every day, and find true satisfaction.

Society tells me to be successful and have a career, that writing won't cut it, and I'll be destitute and desperate, living off my husband. Half of me wants to be ambitious, successful in my chosen field, the other half of me can think of nothing better than filling my days with hobbies and beach combing and cooking, a real old-fashioned house-wife (sans the children for now) and isn't it funny how I feel guilty and embarrassed to even admit that this could be my dream, because society dictates that those values are old-fashioned now, un-feminist, sexist even. Shouldn't fair values and an equal society simply mean that we have the freedom of choice, and whatever that choice may be, we should not be judged for it?

Sometimes I think we are all still just as stifled by society as ever, just in different ways.