100 things that make me happy

Because its a challenge, and i'm sick of being sad.
 In no particular order, just as they come to me:

1.The rain
2. Hail
3. Typewriters
4. Music
5. Dancing in the Rain
6. Walking by moonlight
7. the moon
8. Balloons
9. The Zoo
10. A blank page
11. A handwritten page
12. receiving a handwritten letter
13. Birthday cards
14. Baking
15. Making surprise dinner for people
16. Buying people presents
17. Children
18. Kittens
19. My pillow fortresses
20. Reading a good book
21. Music Boxes
22. Travelling
23. Being a tourist
24. Swimming pools
25. Singing
26. Shyla
27. Age of Empires
28. LAN
29. Cake
30. Tea
31. Hot Chocolate
32. Happy dreams
33. Shopping
34. eyeliner
35. Champagne
36. Christmas
37. Birthdays (not just my own!)
38. Making other people happy
39. Random acts of kindness
40. Human decency
41. When chivalry isn't dead
42. Tv shows like Supernatural, Game of Thrones
43. Joy-especially when she smiles
44. Snorkeling
45. My Mum
46. Castles
47.Ice-cream in the sunshine
48. bubble-baths
49. Talking on the phone to good friends
50. Dressing up
51. Going out to Dinner
52. Feeling loved
53. Catching the rain on my tongue
54. Swimming in the middle of the night
55. Being Spontaneous
56. Doing something I've never done before
57. Doing something that makes me proud of myself
58. Feeling independent
59. 'Les Miserables' soundtrack
60.  The movie 'Tangled'
61. Sleepovers
62. Camping
63. Photographs
64. Taking Photos
65. Old Photo albums
66. Family
67. Snow
68. Blogging
69. Parties
70. Cheeseburgers
71. Fire
72. Candles
73. Perfume
74. The Cinema
75. Flowers
76. Lemons
77. Red Wine
78. Teddy Bears
79. Hugs
80. Being Kissed
81.The Sky
82. Flying
83. Lists
84. Butterfly
85. Old artifacts and ruins
86. holding hands
87. Someone saying 'I love you'
88. Laughing
89. Feeling safe and protected
90. Acting like a child
91. Acting like an adult
92. Sailing
93. Boats
94. Creating
95. Spinning until I'm dizzy
96. Driving into the unknown
97. Accents
98. Money
99. History
100. Being Free.

You are alone.

If only I had thought like this when I was younger!

The Cup of Tears

Drink not to deepen dreams,

 But rather wash away- 

Those drunken maddening screams

 Force my hands to obey, 

Oh wicked, wicked hands- 

They owner thou doth betray; 

In strange and twisted lands 

The sun stands on its head 

Alone, in desolate sands 

The world a blackened, bloody red 

Watching from some distant height 

As heaven halted in her fears 

Alas, I have drunk from the cup of tears

One Day

One day I will live in a house with a writers view.

 I will have a desk by the window, and out the window I will see the ocean breaking on a white sand beach. When the tide is low I will be able to see clear rock pools and my row-boat beached on the sand. 

When the tide is high I will see the waves breaking on the shore and the lonely footprints disappearing into the sea.

 I will hear the waves crashing in the night and the howl of the salty wind in a storm; I will see an angry sea illuminated by lightening across the pulsing sky, and when the night calms and I watch the sun rise over the water, I will see my inspiration.

 This is my writer’s dream, where I can breathe the salt air, listen to the waves and see the raw beauty of nature. Where my words will flow as naturally as the sun rises and my joy will be unmatched. Peace, tranquility and companionship. 

 One day, I will find that house on the edge of the sea.

Pain

There are only two types of pain in this world.

The type that you ignore, shunt away into the darker regions of your mind and try desperately, hysterically, to pretend it isn't there. Concentrate on the stain on the wall, on the sound of a lawnmower at the edge of your hearing, anything to take you mind off it and pretend it isn't there.

Then there is the pain you accept. You revel in it, bask in the white-hot fury of it, feel the liquid fire trickle through your bones and radiate outwards. Instead of ignoring it you concentrate on it, accept it as part of you, as something you cannot change, and instead wait it out, like an old acquaintance that you're too polite to tell to go away, and wait instead for them to leave on their own accord.
You take strength from the pain, but it's a twisted power, it gives you the ability to lash out at others, rather than to help them.
 It is the agony that you spread to others, and it is this pain which is the most dangerous, because anger is so much easier than hurt. 

Goodbye 2011, it's been an interesting year.

This was my year of change, of moving out, going to university, gaining some Independence, living with my boyfriend.

My year of firsts, first serious relationship, first car, first licence, first love, and of many more things.

This year I learned to drive, I discovered cooking, I began to feel like an adult, but I also learned how precious (and fun) being a teenager is, I only have one more year of it so I might as well enjoy it while I can.

Overall, it has been wonderful, full of ups and downs, of anxiety and happiness and stress.

It's been a good year, and I hope I can say the same for the next. (although I hope it doesn't go quite as fast as this one did)

Happy New Year!

Sometimes, for a brief moment walking down the street, I find myself feeling all alone. A silence settles over me, and indeed the whole world; I am walking the earth after the Apocalypse, and I am the only human alive.

There's a sense of giddiness and glee there, I can do anything, go anywhere, and no-one will know, there's no one left to know.

Then a car passes on the road, the faint strains of an unsure pianists fingers reach my ears, a dog barks

And the illusion is shattered.

Late late late at night, all quiet in the house, gone tenpin bowling and found out I wasn't bad as I won the first game. Laughter and fast cars, racing on the motorway and winning, stupid why are we doing this?

Beer, beer, and now i'm alone-champagne to forget my sorrows.

I know everything will be better in the morning, but not right now.

Never right now.

Busy busy busy, back at uni, so many assignments I don't know how I'll get them all done, I've got everything from Xenophon's constitution of Sparta to the autobiography of Frederick Douglass (An american Slave) going round my head.

I feel like I'm learning exponentially, I'm just not sure my brain can keep up with it. Sometimes I think I'm in a time bubble, everything seems static, my life moving so fast and at the same time, no-where at all.

It's a year this month, me and him I mean, so much has changed since this time last year, so very much I know it can never be the same again. Mostly I think it's in a good way, but some things I think I may grow to miss.

Empty empty words. Why am I writing all this? None of it means anything, none of it says anything.

I wish I could write like I used to; sometimes I think Uni sucked all the expression out of me.